i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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