Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
3pm strippers are depressing
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
