i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
