Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
