Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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