I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
