Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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