Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
