I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
