There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
a search helicopter?!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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