you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
barbara walters just said penis...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
