My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My dick has a subreddit
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
