Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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