he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
