I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
