i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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