honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
