Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
