I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
