Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
