morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
