She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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