apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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