On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
