Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
