He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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