Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Im part way to drunk.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
