office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
