i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
