Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
