i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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