If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
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