Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
