2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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