Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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