I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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