the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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