I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
