I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She said her name was "party"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
