I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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