I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
