I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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