He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
