I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He felt like a one man threesome
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
