is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
