If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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