i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
