i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
