just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
