Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
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